Every day, I regret something new. I regret not participating in more sports as a kid, and wonder where I would be now if I had kept playing softball. I regret making that joke in a conversation with my friends, the one that didn’t land quite right. I think, in the future, I will look back on my years at Haven and regret not taking physics.
High school students especially are plagued with concerns about the past and the idea of ‘what could have been.’ As put by neurobehavioral scientist J. Kim Penberthy at the University of Virginia, “we can regret the things we did—or we can regret the things we did not do.”
What does regret actually mean? By definition, it can be “a feeling of sadness … about a mistake that you have made, and a wish that it could have been different and better.” So, why do we view so many of our decisions as mistakes, and why do we wish we could change so much about the past?
From the beginning of high school, and often earlier, students feel intense pressure to ‘get things right’ and make choices that promote academic success. The hunger for improvement extends into our personal lives as well, with societal expectations and a general fear of being perceived negatively.
Fear of embarrassment, which can prevent us from taking risks or making bold decisions in the future, stems from regretting past actions. We are pushed to dislike the things that made us who we were, including the ways we dressed, spoke or even just how we existed. We can’t expect our past decisions to be fine-tuned to the expectations we hold for ourselves now.
A side effect of this is that we begin to scrutinize every choice we make now and spiral in wondering if another choice would have been better, or if an alternative decision would have had a more desirable outcome.
Even on a larger scale, regrets relating to education are more common than any other kind. According to a meta-analytical study published by the National Institute of Health (NIH), regrets are most commonly defined by phrases like “I wish I had studied harder in school.” This reflects a society that has pushed us to doubt our decisions as young people and view anything outside of our peak productivity as negative.
Not only does this place weight on the decisions we make about our education, but also our personal life choices and relationships. Distraction from the present and deteriorating self-confidence affects our time spent with friends and family as well as how we behave around others. Where we could be expressing ourselves genuinely, or living life in the moment, we often focus on how to maximize every moment in fear of wasting time or repeating past mistakes.
Really, in letting ourselves become obsessed with the ‘what ifs’, we become shortsighted. Sure, maybe another hour of studying would have yielded a higher grade on that test, but you can apply that knowledge to future classes instead of worrying about a number already set in stone. Instead of focusing on the faults themselves, we should learn from them to navigate the next decisions we make.
While I don’t have the same sense of style as I did in 2019, and can’t say that I like what I wore, I don’t regret those fashion choices. That clash of stripes and polka dots represents a version of myself who didn’t let fear of embarrassment get in the way of being authentically who she was. Each day I wake up and try to wear what I want and what I’m comfortable in, just like 11 year old me would do.
Though the phrase ‘live in the moment’ has earned its reputation as just another cliché piece of life advice, it does have truth to it. Some of my happiest memories are of when I was present with the people around me, whether that be friends or family, without thinking about the past. When we stop lingering on what could have been, it becomes easier to fully appreciate the present.
Don’t be too harsh on yourself, because the things you regret have made you who you are today.
Each opinion represented in The Panther Press is the view and voice of the writer. Opinions, as the selection and curation of content by the editors, do not represent the views of the entire Panther Press staff, the adviser, the school, or the administration.
