The student newspaper of Strath Haven High School. The Panther Press is first and foremost a reflection of the opinions and interests of the student body. For this reason, we do not publish any anonymous or teacher-written submissions, and we do not discriminate against any ideology or political opinion. While we are bound by school policy (and funding), we will not render any article neutral, although individual points may be edited for obscene or inflammatory content. Finally, the articles published in the Panther Press do not necessarily reflect the views of the editors or advisors.

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Study Finds Second Floor Hallway to be Preferred Hub for Unabashed PDA

Ryan Sheehan, '17, Editor

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A recent study conducted by the school’s resident third block AP Statistics class has concluded that, when given the choice, the most brazen of Haven’s couples prefer the second floor hallway for their passionate midday rendezvous. Apparently unsatisfied with the typical subjects of drugs and cheating, the statistics class decided to look into a more mystic phenomenon at Haven. “There’s just something special about this place,” reported one of the survey’s participants who had been seen minutes prior making out with her boyfriend by the wheelchair-accessible water fountains. And she is not alone.

According to our school’s amateur statisticians, the past month has shown a steep influx in hand-holding amongst couples as well as a similarly significant regression in their ability to process any and all social cues. As of February 13th, a staggering three couples could be found exchanging deep, loving embraces outside of a Graphic Design One class as if it had been years since they had last laid eyes on their sweetheart of two weeks.

“I know it’s crazy,” said one student. “But I feel like I’ve found my soul mate. And what better way to let everyone know than showing affection at my school in front of my teachers and in front of my peers?” This Statistics AP class also found that 50% of the couples found hooking up with each other were both skipping the same class and that 70% of couples had met at the beginning of the school year. What is particularly salient about this data is that despite the fact that couples surveyed are usually limited to mere five-minute interactions in between classes, they are still able to elicit at least ten eye rolls per minute amongst passerby’s. Even for a suburban high school, this is an unprecedented level of CPC (cynicism per capita) the likes of which we have not yet seen. Strath Haven is most certainly a unique place for students, and the in-depth analysis by statisticians at our school proves just one other source of pride Haven can have. It is incredible what one semester in a high school math class can reveal to students about the natural world around them.

The amateur statisticians are now looking into ways to harness this energy. Cynicism at this level is surprisingly common at the high school, and it holds limitless potential. If all goes according to plan, this newfound cynicism, in addition to the current administration, should be enough to effectively disillusion the entire student body by the fourth marking period.

The student newspaper of Strath Haven High School. The Panther Press is first and foremost a reflection of the opinions and interests of the student body. For this reason, we do not publish any anonymous or teacher-written submissions, and we do not discriminate against any ideology or political opinion. While we are bound by school policy (and funding), we will not render any article neutral, although individual points may be edited for obscene or inflammatory content. Finally, the articles published in the Panther Press do not necessarily reflect the views of the editors or advisors.
Study Finds Second Floor Hallway to be Preferred Hub for Unabashed PDA