Panther Press

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Haven Conspiracy Theories

Maddie Marks, '19, Editor

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Conspiracy theories. Yep, those far-out stories that corrupt your idea of just about everything you know. (But hey, these are the things that make the internet interesting.) You probably know some, you might believe in some, and you might even have some of your own. Most times, these theories are about celebrities, the government, or popular TV shows. But have you ever considered that there could be some conspiracy theories very close to home, even… At Haven? No doubt you’ve heard about the secret menu at Starbucks. A pump of one thing and a drizzle of another and suddenly you have an Apple Pie Cinnamon Nutmeg Spice Frappuccino or Caramel Snickerdoodle Chocolate Sea Salt Macchiato. But could the same thing be happening at Haven? Rumor has it that if, come class choosing time, you click ctrl+ on the elective choice page and enter a special combination of numbers, you could unlock secret electives unknown to the public. Some of these electives include “How to Hide B.O.”, Interpreting Meme Trends, and the infamous Napping in Class For Beginners. Remember, just like Starbucks, the more you add to the order, the more options you have, so keep on typing until you find one you like!

Chances are, your backpack is ridiculously heavy, filled to the top with binders, notebooks, and of course, textbooks. At any given time you could be carrying multiple textbooks that seem to By Maddie Marks, ‘19 Editor grow in page number every single day. But have you ever stopped to consider why those textbooks are that heavy? It’s possible that the school bought specially made osmium-infused textbooks that weigh easily ten times as much as regular ones. Why would they do this? Simple: the heavier your textbook is, the less likely you are to forget about it. How could you walk out the door without your textbook if there is loads of weight missing from your backpack? Exactly. You can’t.

Scene: you walk into class, and suddenly, you see a mouse. Most likely, you scream, gasp, or make some sort of gesture indicating to the rest of the class that a small animal is in your presence. The entire class is distracted from their work. But could this distraction be the end result of a carefully calculated operation? According to some theories, there is a group of students that own and run a mouse-breeding ring underneath the school. They breed the fastest and most daring scurriers to release into classrooms around the school in order to cause a distraction. Sure, it seems ridiculous, but think about it: one more mouse equals five less minutes working. It just makes sense.

Would you believe me if I told you that there was once a time when the band room had service? Probably not. It seems impossible that there was some time when getting one single bar of service (that, most times, is completely useless) didn’t seem like a blessing. But, believe it or not, there could have been. It’s possible that when iPhones first came into existence, there was an electronic apocalypse in the band room. People stopped practicing and started finding their parts on their phone. And, when the time came to play, all they had to do was click start and their phones would do all the work for them. So, in an attempt to reboot the music program, the school cut off service in the band room for good. Curse you, musically unmotivated predecessors!

When you were introduced to the Green Mile on your first day at Strath Haven, you undoubtedly heard about the inescapable awkwardness that ensues when you’re walking, and, from the other direction, comes another person. But have you ever thought about just why it’s so awkward? There is a legend that a long time ago, the Green Mile was an underground tunnel. One person would come to this tunnel every time they were in an awkward situation to hide away from it, until the day they died. Their ghost continued to live on as the Ghost of Awkwardness, haunting the hallway and making ordinary interactions into horrifying experiences. With the Ghost of Awkwardness around, the hallway seems to stretch on forever, time slows, and the sound of your shoes becomes even more amplified. It seems like a stretch, definitely, but you can’t deny that there is always some supernatural element to the awkwardness you feel whenever you walk down the Green Mile.

The student newspaper of Strath Haven High School. The Panther Press is first and foremost a reflection of the opinions and interests of the student body. For this reason, we do not publish any anonymous or teacher-written submissions, and we do not discriminate against any ideology or political opinion. While we are bound by school policy (and funding), we will not render any article neutral, although individual points may be edited for obscene or inflammatory content. Finally, the articles published in the Panther Press do not necessarily reflect the views of the editors or advisors.
Haven Conspiracy Theories