Panther Press

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Rather Than Being Breathalyzed, Students Must Recite “The Raven” Before All School Functions

Ryan Sheehan, '17, Editor

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As a time-honored tradition, the breathalyzer has become a staple of the school dance. We all know the drill. You roll up to the gym. You’re lookin’ fresh. You can hear the Black Eyed Peas emanating from inside and you can sense that everything is falling perfectly into place. Tonight’s gonna be a good night. Or so you thought.

Before you know it, a tiny little black box has been shoved into your face and you’ve been left no choice but to swallow your pride and stammer out a name while your gym teacher stands there looking far too pleased with himself. Totally uncool. It only takes a second for the breathalyzer to confirm your sobriety, but in that same second the night has effectively been ruined. You’ve been thrown off your mojo and at this point there’s little you can do to redeem yourself short of hitting the Quan like the Rich Homie himself. We’ve all been there. But thanks to some late-breaking initiative from an unlikely sophomore trio, this all too familiar scenario will be a thing of the past.

After accruing twenty-three signatures on their petition, Moe, Shemp and Jerome Howard have succeeded in abolishing the demeaning practice of breathalyzation once and for all. From now on, students will instead be required to recite all of Edgar Allen Poe’s, “The Raven” from memory before being admitted to any and all school functions. Finally! Now students will not only have an answer to the question, “When am I ever going to use this in the real world?” but they’ll also be able to impress their dates with their propensity for 19th century poetry.

This new development has galvanized teachers as well. According to the department chair, interest in the humanities has seen a significant boost. “Students are now clamoring to learn the ins and outs of Poe’s Gothic works! I barely have to poke and prod anymore to get my class involved. However, we have had a couple incidents in which students have ‘borrowed’ the health department’s drunk goggles to practice their recitations. Weird right?”

The Howard boys have continued to see steady support for their innovation come pouring in. “Believe it or not, breathalyzers are actually really expensive. Now we’ll be able to put the dance budget towards better uses, like more store-bought cookies for students to eat when they want an excuse to skip the slow dances or maybe some more of those gross markers that we use to decorate the mirrors in the bathroom. I mean, nothing screams ‘A Night in Paris’ like dry-erase,” noted one dance committee member. “Wait, didn’t Edgar Allan Poe have a lifelong struggle with alcohol abuse? Does anyone else see the irony here?” asked one concerned student who, as Moe put it, “sounds like a total drip.”

That same student was later seen waddling to the nurses after receiving an atomic wedgie. Sources have been unable to confirm the assailant, but Moe and Jerome were later witnessed high fiving and discussing their tentative goal to have all drug testing phased out and replaced with a quiz involving state capitals by 2018.

The student newspaper of Strath Haven High School. The Panther Press is first and foremost a reflection of the opinions and interests of the student body. For this reason, we do not publish any anonymous or teacher-written submissions, and we do not discriminate against any ideology or political opinion. While we are bound by school policy (and funding), we will not render any article neutral, although individual points may be edited for obscene or inflammatory content. Finally, the articles published in the Panther Press do not necessarily reflect the views of the editors or advisors.
Rather Than Being Breathalyzed, Students Must Recite “The Raven” Before All School Functions