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High Pressure Causes Diamond Formation Under Strath Haven

Brendan Lordan, '17, Staff Writer

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Tax breaks and budget increases for Strath Haven’s arts and athletics programs in the 2017 to 2018 school year are being considered after the discovery of a large diamond deposit beneath the main wing of the high school. Geologists suspect that the large formation was a result of the immense pressure on Strath Haven students. While pressure anomalies have been known to compress carbon into gems before, this may be the first recorded incident of academic pressure being intense enough to affect the material world. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” says resident geologist Rocky Diggins. Diggins has been a precious gems analyst and appraiser for 35 years and notes this as the most incredible case of his time. “Who would have known that a 20th Century midterm essay could produce something this valuable.” While the efforts of the teachers to enforce such immense pressure are impressive to say the least, the students are truly the ones to thank for producing such an abundance of natural stress.

Academic pressure has been a long-standing issue around the school, but students worry that this development will encourage the school administration to redesign the lesson plans to produce a greater amount of stress on students and the ground beneath them. The SAT Administrator for Delaware, Marple, Aston and Nether Providence is considering establishing a minimum of three SATs for all rising Juniors and Seniors to increase the pressure on latent carbon in the school’s foundation. “I understand that the SATs are a stressful part of any high schooler’s journey in public education,” says SADMAN Phil D. Bubble, “But the windfall for the school district makes an increase in pressure a necessary sacrifice for students.” Bubble has experienced significant resistance from students, but still plans to do everything he can to utilize this new resource. “It’s just another one of the things that makes Strath Haven and Delaware County an amazing place. We might not have the best football team, but who else has a fully-functioning diamond mine under the cafeteria?” And, of course, a student body stressed enough to produce it.

The discovery of this buried treasure beneath the school has led to the creation of a new elective opportunity for next year. Primarily, this opportunity is encompassed by the class Geology and Appraisal. The creation of the class required the employment of a new teacher, Ms. X. Cavader. Cavader, a Strath Haven mother for over 20 years, says she is overjoyed at the prospect of this unique teaching opportunity. “I think that it should be motivation for the students. Their hard work and effort can be put towards something meaningful for once instead of just color coded PowerPoint’s or poorly written essays. Now students can channel their excess energy into working harder to something of sustenance.”

It certainly is a comfort to students’ parents at least. Strath Haven Senior Josh Smith raises some new concerns. “Suddenly now my parents want me to be stressed. They used to write me late passes, but now they think that the stress of leaving at 7:27 everyday and running into school from the senior lot can only financially help them in the long run.” This diamond deposit brings new opportunities for many and worries for others to Strath Haven, but as Ms. X. Cavader states, “Next time you’re frantically filling out one of your English teacher’s tests or you have to restart your lab for Environmental Science, just think: all of the unendurable pressure on you is taking the pressure off of taxpayers.”

The student newspaper of Strath Haven High School. The Panther Press is first and foremost a reflection of the opinions and interests of the student body. For this reason, we do not publish any anonymous or teacher-written submissions, and we do not discriminate against any ideology or political opinion. While we are bound by school policy (and funding), we will not render any article neutral, although individual points may be edited for obscene or inflammatory content. Finally, the articles published in the Panther Press do not necessarily reflect the views of the editors or advisors.
High Pressure Causes Diamond Formation Under Strath Haven